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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 31, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> i'm going to i is a for the last time that the gentlemen on the left be removed and ask the officer to remove. if i see one pore example of that, i will ask you all to be removed. >> stephen: tonight, a new
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threat to your marriage! the old threat was replaced by a younger one. (laughter) then, how is technology changing t.v. news? tweet me your thoughts with hashtag "pointless tweeting." (laughter) and my guest, jack andraka, is a 16-year-old who invented an early test for pancreatic cancer-- but you enjoy that bumper sticker for making honor roll. (laughter) there's a global wine shortage. great, now people in book clubs will actually have to read. this is "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen").
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>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen. sit down, folks. you know, i like giving you good news but i'm afraid it's sad to say this congress right now is the least popular of all time. just thinking about what's going on on capitol hill makes people nauseous. nausea, by the way, more popular than congress. (laughter) and republicans in congress are the most-least popular. (laughter) one reason is that they disappointed their base by voting to raise the debt ceiling on the flimsy excuse of avoiding a galactic economic meltdown. well, yesterday senate republicans did their best to fix that mistake when 27 g.o.p. senators voted to disapprove of their previous votes to raise the debt ceiling.
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(laughter) i believe the motion was titled "s.r.-346, fiscal i call backsies." (laughter) and, folks, it was not easy for them to get this vote. mitch mcconnell had to negotiate with harry reid so that the recent debt ceiling bill included a provision that there would be a second vote expressing approval or disapproval of the first vote. (laughter) in short, g.o.p. senators voted for raising the debt ceiling on the stipulation they could vote against having voted for it. proving that republicans may not be bipartisan but they may be bipolar. (laughter). (cheers and applause) and these brave 27 statesmen led by mitch mcconnell took this stand for the noblest of reasons-- to get reelected. i for one cannot wait for the
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campaign ads-- so i didn't. jim? >> mitch mcconnell claims to be a small-government conservative but he voted with the democrats to raise the debt ceiling. but mitch mcconnell knows that was wrong. he took a stand against mitch mcconnell. (laughter) mitch mcconnell, wrong for kentucky. vote change. vote mitch mcconnell. (laughter) i'm mitch mcconnell and i approve this message. no i don't! (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, with an ad like that one one of them can't lose. (laughter) nation, you watch the show, you know my middle name is "danger." but my first name is "we're all in" and my last name is "run for your lives." this is the threatdown. (cheers and applause) folks, traditional marriage is under attack and this time it's not just from the gays--
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although i've got to say, they're not helping. look at neil patrick harris' family halloween photo. (audience reacts) "come to my house, i have fun-sized snickers." (laughter) no, the real threat to marriage is threat number three: divorce. didn't see that coming, did you? now, divorce has never been great for a marriage, but according to a new study, divorce is contagious. which i've suspected for a long time. that's why i always did "larry king live" in a hazmat suit while holding a canary. (laughter) i was okay. (applause) i was okay but larry did hit on the canary. (laughter) no means no, larry. now, according to a three-decade study by brown university researchers-- although really it's none of our business what color they were-- couples were 75% more likely to become divorced if a friend is divorced and 33% more likely to divorce
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if a friend of a friend ends his or her marriage. and i'm not surprised. i have never trusted friends of a friend. i mean, i'm my friend's friend. who are these other people? (laughter) researchers say divorce can spread like an epidemic through a social network like a rumor affecting friends up to two degrees removed! that's right! divorce can spread like crabs at theater camp! which is why i have always said divorce should be illegal. once a couple starts hanging out with nancy who's got a new lease of life, looks amazing and is spending thanksgiving in turks and caicos how can you possibly be satisfied with your spouse who is spending thanksgiving with you? (laughter) so, folks, protect yourself. stay out of places where those infected with divorce off congregate: the frozen food aisle, dog runs, miata dealerships, or traveling through thailand because (bleep) it.
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(laughter and applause) next up, folks, the debate on comprehensive immigration is back in congress but no matter what happens it may be too late to stop the salsa tsunami. because i saw this on "good morning america" monday morning, america, and it was not good. jim? >> for the first time ever, g.m.a. and the number-one latino morning show joining forces for an unprecedented live television event! we're swapping with univision's "despierta america". >> stephen: wow, i had no idea g.m.a. was that despierta for viewers. (laughter) folks, this brings us to threat number two-- undocumented network jumpers. (laughter) i mean, is nothing sacred? they gave the g.m.a. logo one of those mexclamation points.
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folks, i love skwrao *epl nay sh that i once cohosted it. it was the happiest time of my life. (laughter) and associate it had joy we all feel watching the gang with spanish speaking is a threat to my latino rage. for years now i've been able to stereotype the rising tide of rice and beans as parasitic barbarians coming to take our jobs. but now the so-called american broadcasting company has challenged my prejudices with sensitive portrayals of the rich centuries old hispanic culture. >> now you have to say buenos dias, america! >> buenos dias from beautiful miami! >> (speaking spanish) >> oh! ooh! no, no! >> enrique iglesias! >> he's a little bit diva now. i think you're pampering her. >> you taught me some words.
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we'll do a spanglish kind of thing where you can teach me words. >> the idea is you learn some words in spanish. >> telenovella. >> espano. >> tortilla! >> stephen: it's a beautiful language. it's a beautiful language. (applause) it's like they're reading you "100 years of solitude" by gabriel garcia kwo gordita! finally, folks, i love my mickey ds. i get a mcmuffin, two mcgriddles and to watch it down a mcallen. ♪ i got problem and there's nothing more i love than mcdonald's dollar menu. with just the change i find between my couch cushions i can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. (laughter)
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that's why this mcnugget of mcnews supersized my anger and made me grimace. (laughter) (cheers and applause) fillet o'fish. (laughter) jim? >> america's favorite fast food joint says good-bye to its dollar menu. mcdonald's dollar menu is getting a new name. dollar menu and more. it will include everything on the current dollar menu along with pricier items like a 20-piece mcnut gets for $5. >> stephen: yes, the dollar menu and more. or what other restaurants call "the menu." (laughter) and it's all due to climate change. looky why. rising temperatures have led to drought conditions in cattle ranching states forcing ranchers to cull herds and pay more for feed leading to more expensive cattle on the market. well, if cattle feed has become so expensive why don't they just
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feed cows stuff off the dollar menu? (laughter) do i have to think of everything? anyway, folks, this whole crisis brings know the number one threat in america -- global warming. folks, melting icecaps and florida getting swallowed up by rising seas is one thing. (laughter) but when within my mcdouble goes from $1 to $1.12, this (bleep) just got real. (cheers and applause) nation, i am calling -- i am calling on you to go to your local mcdonald's and demand that they save the dollar menu before it goes the way of the dodo. i can barely remember what those things tasted like. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, long time viewers of this
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program knows i am an avid fan of fox news anchor and cursed mannequin shep smith. (laughter) i recently celebrating him for sheping it you have a notch with the fox news deck. >> this is the new hub for breaking news coverage for all of fox news channel. we call it the fox news deck. it allows me to manipulate this 38-foot-long video wall. you'll see on the left-hand side of this massive wall over here is what we have newsworthy. we call these bats. "big area touch screens." >> stephen: with all these electronic it is news deck can bring you the story as it happens as soon as shep guesses his neighbor's wi-fi password. (laughter) and the breaking news technowonderland was completed just in time to cover the government shutdown. >> here in new york i'm shepherd smith. senate leaders from both parties have now restarted talks to raise the debt ceiling and tend partial government shutdown that's going on now.
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>> stephen: look at shep's hand held biodegradable info sheet! (cheers and applause) i mean -- look at that thing! flat screens are impressive but that thing is paper thin! (laughter) now obviously this may cause some to ask "what were all those screens for? is he going to use them to play angry birds?" wrong! >> it may be the most addictive online game ever. (laughter) candy crush. the object is you match these colorful groups of candy in three or more to clear the board and they'll give you suggestions like watch this -- see that blinking? their suggestions are almost always wrong. it has a nice sound. i don't know if we have audio from it. it's not a nice sound at all. i don't even know if it's fun anymore or if i'm a completed a detective. >> stephen: now we know the answer to one of journalism's eternal question: what does shep smith do while he poops? (laughter) to address the serious ramifications of his candy crush
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addiction, shep brought in an expert. >> cooper shraurpbs a psychologist and happens to be a candy crusher just as i am. are you an addict? >> i'm an addict. i think most of the people who play that game are women between 18 and 55. >> stephen: breaking news on the news deck, shep smith probably a woman between 18 and 55. (laughter and applause) fascinating. a fascinating story though evidently not to shep who's too busy crushing candy. (laughter) in fact, when he's playing candy crush nothing distracts shep. not even his own news crawl which tempted him to report stories like "new jersey beginning same-sex marriages" "the president's nomination of a new secretary of state of homeland security" and "the recent bombing carried out by insurgents in afghanistan." nice try, news crawl. get back to shep when those insurgents attack with fruit or ninjas. (laughter) folks, shep's openness about his own addiction has inspired me to
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come clean about my own digital dependency. joining me on my first step toward recovery at the super newstendo journo-cube 3,000. (cheers and applause) welcome! welcome to the journo-cube 3,000 where we combine the best of edward r. murrow and sonic t. hedgehog. (laughter) hi, i'm stephen and i'm an addict. there's a captivating new game sweeping cable news that has taken over my life and impaired my ability to do my job. it's called shinier news. (laughter) you see, on the left there are stories i'm probably supposed to be talking about. the billions of dollars that the shutdown cost, amnesty international's condemnation of u.s. drone strikes, or reports of the n.s.a. spying on the german government. while, on the right there are
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shiny spinny diamonds. all right, here we go. this is always a tough choice. i got to catch those diamonds! ha ha! (buzzer sounding). oh (bleep)! (laughter) i lost again! we'll be right back. come on! yfg÷dbd1l
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>> stephen: my guest tonight detected an early detection test
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for pancreatic cancer while still in high school. tonight he's sitting at the cool kids' table. tonight please welcome jack andraka! (cheers and applause) hey, jack, nice to meet you! sit down, sit down. nice to have you on. this is a fantastic story. let me explain a little bit to the people who you are and what you did. you're the 2012 intel science fair-- which is a national science fair, right? >> international. >> stephen: my apologies. international science fair. you kicked a little international butt in this one. grand prize winnings scientist at age 16, right? (cheers and applause) explain to the good people what your invention did? >> so essentially what i created was a new way to detect pancreatic, ovarian and lung cancer and it costs three cents and takes five minutes to run so it's like a diabetic test strip, you take a drop of blood and you
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can instantly diagnose that. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: okay, all right perhaps even more interesting than the fact you did it at 16, you thought of it at age 14? >> yes, in my high school biology class. >> stephen: what occurred to you? did you get hit over the head and have a dream about -- what dawned on you? >> i was reading a scientific article, sneaking it under my desk. >> stephen: so you were goofing off like kids do by reading scientific articles. i know high school freshmen. go ahead. (laughter) >> and what happened is we were learning about these things called antibodies that lock a specific protein. >> stephen: don't patronize me, i know what you're talking about. (laughter) >> essentially i thought maybe i can stick these two things together and make something cool. >> stephen: show the good people the cool thing you did. >> so here's one of my test strips and essentially what happened -- >> stephen: a test trip? like a crest white strip?
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do i put this on my teeth? what is this? >> it's like a diabetic test strip. it's made of a carbon substance that tracks certain proteins out of your bloodstream. >> stephen: carbon like charcoal, that kind of carbon. >> single wall walled carbon nano tubes. long thin types of carbons that are 150,000th the diameter of your hair. they're really small. then i createdded this in my garage and essentially you just stick it in there and you take this $50 meter and just put it like that and you can see if you have pancreatic cancer. >> stephen: and do i? >> well, there's no blood on here yet. >> stephen: so i put blood on here? >> just a drop of blood. >> stephen: so you could buy this add radioshack. >> i actually got this from home depot. (laughter). >> stephen: how old were you when you got interested in this? >> i suppose i started doing serious scientific research when
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i was in sixth grade. my middle school made it mandatory and they kind of like made it into a "hunger games" type competition where -- (laughter). >> stephen: really. >> it was a blood sport. they hung a laptop over 300 kids and said "whoever wins get this is." >> stephen: who won? >> i did three years. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: have you thought about using your powers for evil? (laughter) because this is the age at which normally supervillains make the turn. >> no, right now i'm working on open access so that everyone can access these different scientific articles and so no matter where you're from you can do scientific research. >> stephen: do you own this? >> yeah, i have the international patent on this technology and -- >> stephen: cha-ching, right? (laughter) >> well, it's not about the money for me it's about saving as many lives as possible. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: but you're also a
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teenager. you got other things you'd like to do when you're not doing this. is it hard being somebody who's come up with something that can detect cancer at the same time you just are just a teenager -- like when you watch "glee" do you think to yourself "i just wasted an hour, victim saved ten people's lives." >> no, i think that hour was well spent every single day. however, i do make up for it because i often sleep over in the lab. i kind of like go into the stairwell and there's a bunch of scientific articles and you can spread them out into a nice pillow sometimes so -- >> stephen: wow. >> i missed my birthday for the past two years because of that. (audience reacts). >> stephen: so you don't know whether you missed your birthday or not. (laughter) it sounds like you spend a lot of time in the lab with adults. do you spend much time with other teenagers? >> oh, yeah, i'm not like that weird kid who just spends all of his time in the lab. (laughter) >> stephen: i didn't say anything about weird. (laughter) how about hopeful and very
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talented kid who spends all of his time in the lab. i want to make sure you're having some fun because i've got to say for your social life that's a great pickup line. you know "hey, do you have pancreatic cancer? would you like to find out?" (laughter) (cheers and applause) jack andraka! (cheers and applause) jack andraka, we'll be right back! (cheers and applause)
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